death
When I 18, I tried to abseil down a huge stack of straw-bales using that thin hairy blue twine they use to hold the straw together. I wrapped the twine around my hand and lowered myself over the edge.
My foot slipped and I was left dangling with just the cord which had pulled tight around my palm, preventing me from plummeting the 25ft to the concrete floor of the barn.
Had I coiled the string the other way, it wouldn't have pulled tight and I would have burned my hand and then died.

Have you cheated death in spite of spectacular acts of stupidity?
(Maudlin McCann is like an imperfectly shaven tennis ball on, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 13:06, 2 replies)

Self centredness
I am convinced that my mother-in-law is the most self-centred and paranoid person in the known universe. She genuinely thinks that anything that happens anywhere is connected to her, and that everyone conspires against her behind her back.

She had a cctv security camera fitted to her house and would watch people go by all day. Literally. The driving instructor living down the road who got his pupils to do 3-point turns outside her house? Done because he fancied her, obviously. The woman who went past twice a day to walk her dog? Obviously a lesbian who fancied her.

Tell us about self-centred people you know.
(Terrible Tiger, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 22:36, 1 reply)

little acts of selfishness
i just let my boss run around like a headless chicken looking for a stapler because my shiny sexy new shoes hurt far too much to get up and give him mine. when was the last time you looked after number one, with much funnier results than this?
( rachelswipe get out of my chair, dillhole., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 15:33, Reply)

What was the worst way you managed to twist a question of the week's meaning so that you could use it to whine pathetically about your rubbish life ruining the fun for everyone?
And how much of it was bullshit?
( baldmonkey spits on molested babies, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:45, 2 replies)

Quick Witted
Most of the time, it's an hour after the event when you think of the perfect response, or someone else jumps on the perfect punchline. But what about the times you've snapped up the flashy line? Tell us the greatest one-liner you've used to turn an ordinary conversation into laughter and respect.
( Awesome Welles ICH BIN EIN NERD!, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 19:58, 1 reply)

It just slipped out!

( Rappola is in love with Ruth Lorenzo, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 14:39, Reply)

Crap reasons to start a fight
I was at my girlfriend's house, when her ex phoned and my name came up in the conversation. There followed quite a serious argument during which my girlfriend just kept saying; 'there's no need to get angry'; 'please stop shouting' and other such pacifying comments.
'What was that about?' I asked.
'He thought you drove a BMW and got angry because it's a better car than his.'
I drive a 7 year old Nissan Micra with a couple of dents in one side and which is rapidly fading from red to pink.
(Discreditor wants the dream to come true, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 12:45, Reply)

OCD
With something like 1 in 3 people suffering with OCD, there must be a hell of a lot of B3TAns with some weird and wonderful OCDisms.

Tell us yours, and I might tell you mine.

EDIT: go for the lock-in one - that would be funny.
(dchurch bah, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 17:56, Reply)

Christmas
Looks like there hasn't been a Christmas QOTW for four years. Too soon for another one?
(Cockbrush wants to kick your aunt, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 16:08, Reply)

Massive Slags
self explanatory really
(TexasPete, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 15:59, Reply)

Creepiest Work Associate
the guy who stares at the pretty young girl all day every day, or the one who KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, even though you never told them.
(TexasPete, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 14:02, Reply)

When did you last get anal?
I wasnt happy with the way my wife hoovered the living room, so I made her do it again. Twice.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 13:01, 2 replies)

cringe
What have you done that makes you cringe?

What have you done that makes you cringe?
What have you done that makes you cringe?
What have you done that makes you cringe?
What have you done that makes you cringe?

For christ's sake, this one would spawn lots of funny stories.

Or anything nob related would be a good question.
(Maudlin McCann is like an imperfectly shaven tennis ball on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 12:12, Reply)

Breaking the rules
My late aunty Ivy (god rest her) always, always used to cheat at Patience/Solitaire. I can just see her now, cackling to herself in her sherry-soaked cardy and moving cards about in a manner which she thought was surreptitious but was in fact less subtle than Martin Brundle on the pre-race grid trying to interview... well, anyone really. The innocent smile on her face as she won time after time gave no indication of the black-hearted cheating rogue she really was.

She took great pleasure in breaking the rules. Not the law; just the rules.

How do you break the rules?
(happylittletulip is friends with the bees, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 17:38, Reply)

I was too nice
As we all know, niceness is the flower of humanity that brings us all together like a giant cozy hug. But sometimes, it is possible to be too nice.

So tell us about the times you thought you were too nice, and what you should have done instead.
( mistaspakkaman is now disease-free, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 19:50, Reply)

The Great Outdoors
There's trees, green stuff, and animals with four legs that eat the green stuff. There's also a multitude of things one can do in the great outdoors. Tell us what you've done.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 17:02, 3 replies)

Things you shouldn't have laughed at, but did...
Coming out of the local last weekend, my mate wanted a kebab, so he ran across the road and got run over by a big merc...He saw it coming at the last second and jumped, and ended up smashing the windscreen...The driver got out and was arguing with him about paying for the windscreen, my mate told him to fuck off and turned to run off and got run over again.

Even the merc driver was pissing himself.
(Big Andy, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 16:16, 1 reply)

Foreigners
are always funny. I'm currently a foreigner (Brit living in America) and reduced my colleagues to tears of laughter the other day, when I made a mistake writing something in pencil, and innocently asked for a rubber. (which, for the uninformed, is an American word for condom). It's ok though, I point and laugh whenever they talk about spanking someone's fanny.

what cultural mistakes have you made? when have you been lost in translation? what crazy foreigners have made you laugh?
(vitamin c is at a stop codon, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 14:52, Reply)

Funny Injuries
I managed to dislocate my shoulder twice in 5 minutes playing on a mini skateboard?

Whats the worst that can happen?
(NuffMuff was fingerin your gran on, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 11:15, 1 reply)

Weird dreams (part 2?)
My mate dreamt the entire pink elephants scene from Dumbo, only at the end one of them pooed out Bobby Davro.

What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?
(GONEism, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 22:16, 1 reply)

The nights are drawing in,
the Christmas lights are on, there's that little touch of magic in the air.

Bearing this in mind, tell us your tales of Christmas fuelled rage. Did you ever fight over a Teletubby? Ever launched a Turkey as a weapon? Ever spent a Christmas in prison with a face full of bruises and a gut full of Stella?

Spread the Christmas cheers!
(GONEism, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 20:32, Reply)

Simple question:
"How many?"

That is all.
(Undecided Max up the Interrossiter, Sir., Sun 23 Nov 2008, 9:05, 2 replies)

Ahem
The idea is to generate material that's:

* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them

PLEASE can we adhere to this. A whole week of "I'm so lazy I'll post a story later hur hur hur" with the procrastination QOTW nearly drove me insane.

Won't someone think of the children?
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 10:57, Reply)

i also managed
to give away my NES complete with 10+ games to an irish cousin when me and my brother upgraded to the SNES way back when. fuck sake!

come on, i'm sure everyone here must have something they've got rid of and been pissed of about it every since ;)
(TheManWithThePlan, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 2:45, Reply)

things you've sold/given away in a moment of madness and regretted ever since
when i was younger i was an avid fan and i suppose collector of 'ironfist chinmi' comic books. modern manga style books they were, charting the path of a young chinese lad who's natural fighting talents are noticed by a reverred kung fu master who decides to take this peasant boy under his wing and train him to become the greatest kung fu legend in history etc etc

one day while lost in resident evil 2, my mum popped her head in the door and said 'you don't still read those chimney books do you? because there's a chinese boy in my class who might like them' (she was a teaching assistant at the time. and nice going mum, great assumption there!)

anyways, i grunted a 'yeah whatever' as i blasted away at the zombies, thinking what the hell i haven't read em in ages anyway.



just thinking about it has pissed me off ever since.

they're not valuable or anything, but still...
(TheManWithThePlan, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 2:37, Reply)

The morning after
What realisations have you come to when crawling out of bed after a night on the piss?

My worst recent one was remembering leaving a club in Edinburgh, being unable to find a toilet, and pissing on the war memorial in Prince's street.



I then spent 2 hours (yes, really) walking up and down the same bit of Rose street (about 200m) looking for an open chip shop. At 3am on a Tuesday morning. I must have gone up and down fifteen or more times, in the hope that I'd missed something the last time around.
(MatJ (exit stage right, trousers on fire), Sat 22 Nov 2008, 1:33, Reply)

Lock ins
With the days of 24 hour drinking, fighting and fucking in the street the days of the Lock In are, on the whole, gone.
Tell us about your Lock In memories.

I had a Lock In at a bar I worked in. There were about 10 of us and we drank ALL the spirits.
(Mrs Liveinabin Still not putting the heating on, on, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 11:40, 3 replies)

BOAT
Just how fucking excellent is it?
(GONEism, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:36, 2 replies)

Any questions?
In a tribute to the wonderful ask118118 site that's bound to make this week's newsletter, instead of setting a question, let the question be 'Ask a question.'

Then we can ask our own questions for a week and people can answer the questions.

Questions?
(No3L this crackling is really moreish, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 6:34, 3 replies)

How are you?

(GONEism, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 16:08, 1 reply)