ok...
not going to re-post the bedshitting because to be fair that wasn't the actual sex that was shit. instead, i'm going to tell you the most disgusting sex story ever.

my friend sam, the canary killer, was totally in love with the hot new boy where she worked. he was on a temp 3 month contract before moving down to london. and sam, who is a pretty girl, tried everything she could think of to get in his pants in this limited window.

eventually, with a month to go, her opportunity came and they ended up snogging at a works do. jamie, for this was his name, invited her back to his. sam went eagerly.

unfortunately jamie didn't mention until they got there that he was living at his parents' house for this three month period. much more unfortunately, sam didn't heed the stark truth that you never fuck a man on the first night if you want him to like you. much much much more unfortunately, she chose to ignore the fact that even her own body was telling her to wait. and she didn't tell him she was on the rag.

mid drunken shag, she remembered that she had forgotten to remove her tampon. ah fuck it, she thought, and carried on rocking. i believe her exact words were, "i was on top giving it some." but then she began to worry, remembering a friend who had lost the string this way and who had been forced to go to hospital to have it removed.

beginning to panic, sam halted the proceedings and ran to the bathroom. fuck, fuck, she couldn't find it. now any normal person would have gone home and to the doctor at this point. but not sam. no. she decided to go back into the bedroom.... and to make this hot first-time shag fish around inside her wet and bloody self until he found the string.

eventually he did. but he didn't just loosen it. no, he pulled the whole fucking thing out and presented it to her. with his eyes shut. then he got back on top and started again. credit to him for this. don't think i'd have been going back for more if i had seen that.

but after a couple of minutes it looked as if someone had slaughtered a pig. so sam trotted back off to the bathroom, rammed a fresh tam, and galloped back to bed.

"tell you what," she slurred contritely. "why don't you fuck me up the ass instead?" well, this was the first time up the dirt track for both of them. jamie brightened up at once. sadly for him, he got half an inch into his darkest fantasy before sam started yelling and made him stop.

"let me put some vaseline on it," jamie said desperately. but the moment was gone. so much so, that he insisted on sleeping on the floor.

imagine being sam the following morning. being woken up. in a strange bed. feeling like absolute shit. remembering vaguely where you were, and what had happened. realising the bed looked like an abattoir. noticing you were covered in blood with the hot guy from work stirring on the floor and his horrified mother gaping at you from the doorway.

anything that could make this worse?

well, you've got another month working with this dude. every day. in a very small office. but that's not it either.

no, the final straw was the family yorkshire terrier somehow having got into the bedroom during the bathroom traffic the night before and now busying itself under the covers licking the stains from your thighs............

this story still makes me feel sick.
( rachelswipe get out of my chair, dillhole., Sun 17 Jun 2007, 2:56, closed)