The Hot Bag
I am moving house to a lovely place that offers FOUR toilets, a far cry from the mono-shittered place where I currently live.

It all went wrong one Sunday morning whilst watching the repeat of Match of the Day. Suddenly attacked by a turtle's head in my pyjama bottoms, I dashed upstairs to do the necessary.

Alas, it was occupied by my charming wife taking a shower, and my pleas fell on deaf ears.

Only one thing for it - I grabbed a Tesco carrier bag, dashed out to the shed and filled it with hot, steaming semi-liquid containing, I am sad to say, Green Giant sweet corn.

Of course, there's a problem with supermarket carrier bags - they make them with air holes to prevent stupid people from suffocating themselves. These air holes also allow semi-solid turds to escape as you dash up the garden, hoping to conceal your foul mess behind the water feature, showering your carpet slippers with turds.

Then, the seagulls came. Loads and loads of seagulls.

Full 12-inch remix version HERE
( Scaryduck - twitter.com/duckorange, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:24, closed)

...
You may have saved this question from utter awfulness, Ducky...
*clicks*
( Enzyme is in ur [noun]z, [verb]in' ur [noun]z, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:27, closed)

Sadly...
...I've got more poo stories than you can shake a ...er... shitty stick at.
( Scaryduck - twitter.com/duckorange, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:29, closed)

...
It's the aplomb with which you tell 'em...
( Enzyme is in ur [noun]z, [verb]in' ur [noun]z, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:30, closed)

I'm laughing maniacally
just at the mention of seagulls!

*clicks*
( K2k6 is suspicious of the blue sky, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:36, closed)

First proper laugh at this question.
you get a click and a shiney sticker to show for it.

*clicks*
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:41, closed)

I've just been for a poo
and I kept thinking of seagulls and desperately stuffing my fist in my mouth to avoid alerting the other toilet residents.

*clicks*
( althegeordie has got soul, but he's not Aretha Franklin., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:48, closed)

"mono-shittered"
what a wonderful phrase. they should use this at estate agents.
( Stallion_Explosion (formerly known as crab_bloke), Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:33, closed)

i have just eaten a
curry allegedly hotter than a ceylon -- a "fal", whatever the hell that is. My mono-shittered home is clearly insufficient.


*clicky* for expanding my scatological vocabulary -- "mono-shittered"!
(Exiled Youth [witty comment], Thu 27 Mar 2008, 22:23, closed)

Five toilets in my manor
So NUR.
( Sonic the Hedgetrimmer doesn't care what you think, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 9:32, closed)

I'll have five, too, obviously...
...if I include the shed.
( Scaryduck - twitter.com/duckorange, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 11:00, closed)