Babies
Specifically, newly born bundles of helplessness that colleagues seem to feel the need to bring into work and show off.

I instantly start feeling really uncomfortable and wonder if people are looking at me in an odd way because I'm not joining in the cooing and ahhing and isn't he/she adorably cute-ing.

My own nieces and nephew I never had a problem with, but other people's just leave me a bit freaked out. Probably not helped by the complete and utter lack of paternal desire or instinct.

I am completely normal in every other way. Apart from the shaved genitals/eating in public/snorkelling/freaky 70s kids TV/talking to people on the phone/pineapple/can't watch the Exorcist areas.

Honest, guv.
( Davros' Granddad is patient, reserved and measured in equal doses, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:24, closed)

I
fucking.

HATE!

babies.

in fact anything up to the age of about 18 I can just about tolerate in very small doses.

I really should take up that position as a hermit, would save you all my shit puns too.
(Halfy in 14% of recent cases death was found to be fatal, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:25, closed)

I just went to the park for some lunch
and I watched a child cycle into a flower bed. And I didn't feel sorry for it when it started to scream. Does this make me evil?
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:30, closed)

Babies
aren't particularly interesting.

They smell.

And they vomit quite a bit.

Can't be left alone.

Don't drink wine.

Dull.

On the whole kids aren't interesting unless they're your own (and therefore have a fantastic sense of humour and you get to boss them about too).

They do have flashes of interesting behaviour - generally around the age of 8-10 when you can talk to them as if they too are human. Unfortunately then the hormones kick in and you need to leave it a good few years.
( chickenlady Official Antelope keeper and trainer for 2009, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:30, closed)

CHCB
Nope, it means you have a finely tuned sense of humour and have not been fooled into being bonkersly PC

*imagines said scene*

*laughs muchly*

*wishes had been there*
(ancrenne is a nana, apparently, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

You're not the only one
and I'm a girl. If you're a man, it's socially acceptable to hate babies. If you're a woman and you hate babies, people think you're an evil witch.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

CHCB... Nope
Not by my standards anyway. I reckon it's all Jeremy Beadle's fault anyway - years of contrived video camera exploits have desensitised the human race to such incidents...
( Davros' Granddad is patient, reserved and measured in equal doses, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

in that case,
whats funnier, A small child falling off a bike into a bush / tree / wall / floor or an old person falling over and their shopping rolling all over the place?

its a toughy.
(Halfy in 14% of recent cases death was found to be fatal, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:37, closed)

@Halfy
Definitely the kid.

I don't like seeing old people dropping their shopping. I think that's sad.

Kids falling off bikes however, I can watch with glee and relish.
( K2k6 is real, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:39, closed)

@Halfy
An old person falling over a child who's just fallen off their bike. A multi-generational domino rally!
(Boss Keloid no longer has the drum-tight scrotum of his youth!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:39, closed)

^^^what K2K6 said^^^
Mostly I think cos kids give good value in the screaming like they are proper angry stakes and I admire and envy that in them.
(ancrenne is a nana, apparently, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:41, closed)

I would just like to say
I have the upmost respect for all old people, and often go out of my way to help them.

apart from that old cnut George in my local, who is nasty, rude and smells of wee.

kids, well god knows why you ould want to have them, might as well just nail £150,000 to your testicles and then set fire to it for all the good it does you, and then think of your carbon footprint, and the destruction of the planet.

hmmm, that means by refusing to mate and spawn im doing the world a favour

(well two favours if you count preventing lots of litte quarteries running around all over the place picking up my bad habits and posting shit all the time!)
(Halfy in 14% of recent cases death was found to be fatal, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:44, closed)

I have been known
to shout encouragement to kids who look like they are going to crash their bikes/fall off a wall/run in front of a car, and even to cheer when such an event comes to pass.

I feel slightly bad about it affterwards. But only for a short while.
( K2k6 is real, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:44, closed)

there were a lot of free range children
in the park today. One of them tried to cycle into me when I was carrying a teapot and a china cup (my park has a very nice tea shop/shed in it). Another climbed on a chair and kicked over a table. Their mothers just watched, bored, through their designer sunglasses as they idly fiddled with the fixtures on their three-wheeled buggies and patronised their younger (English) children in French, because bilingualism is so important at that age, dahlings.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:49, closed)

CHCB
You must be feeling better today. If the anger of yesterday was still present, I'd have imagined that teapot describing a graceful arc as it curved through the air before connecting with the head of said bored yummy mummy...
(ancrenne is a nana, apparently, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:51, closed)

Being a parent
doesn't stop me from not really liking babies. Even though I have three kids and fed, bathed and changed their butts, I don't feel this strange inherent love for babies that most people seem to feel. They're smelly, they're needy, they're fragile, and they all look like either Albert Einstein or Winston Churchill.

Once they get big enough to understand language they become much more interesting, but even so I'm not that fond of little kids- apart from messing with their pointed little heads.

Left to my own devices I probably never would have had any, but I was married to a Catholic who had it pounded into her head from birth that Good Girls Want Babies. She was after me to get her pregnant immediately after marriage, but I managed to hold her off for five years before giving in. Now that they're here I love my kids, but I never really felt a burning urge for having children.

Fucking Catholics. It's their fault.
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:53, closed)

don't get me wrong
I would quite like to have kids at some point (point seems to always be a few years ahead of the present time) but other kids annoy me. There are a few lovely ones (who tend to have bloody great parents) but they are outnumbered by the rude, badly-behaved and, quite frankly, boring children.

*awaits everyone to tell her what a crap mother she'd be*
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:55, closed)

@CHCB
Pfft! Free range is the term we use here at my work for the breasts of a bra-less woman.

It's always fun spotting the free-rangers on a walk down town on a summer's day. Unfortunately it seems to be going out of fashion.
( K2k6 is real, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:57, closed)

@K2k6
I call them unfettered bulbs, in honour of la Dimmock
(Boss Keloid no longer has the drum-tight scrotum of his youth!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:58, closed)

I'm not alone!
Fucking hooray!

As I've said before, I don't dislike them per se, I just feel really uncomfortable around them. And there are some people that just should not be aloud to breed. You used to need a licence to own a DOG for fuck's sake, yet any half wit can breed, provided that they're not afflicted by some fertility condition.
( Davros' Granddad is patient, reserved and measured in equal doses, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:02, closed)

au contrair CHCB
with your current attitude on how annoying small kids can be, you will undoubtedly be a great mother, considerably better than a vast percentage of those out there.

You might want to stop the whoopin' hoopin' paint stripperin' when the wee bairns come along though. You might end up spraying milk on the audience.
( althegeordie A bullying, attention seeking AIDS-Bastard, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:03, closed)

Speaking of Dimmock...
I'm still not quite sure what her appeal is. Her lack of a bra? Because for a fact she's not terribly attractive...
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:03, closed)

@Loon
Charlie Dimmock is a munter. But the fact her tits are always swinging around does take one's mind off her face.

If you've got it, flaunt it, as my gran used to say.
( K2k6 is real, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:04, closed)

@al
after having kids it'll be "Whoopin' hoopin' droopin'"...
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:05, closed)

@ Loon
I have completely bizarre taste in women.
See also Kirsty Allsop, Nikki Hambleton-Jones, and strange dreams of Supernanny sending me to the naughty bed.
(Boss Keloid no longer has the drum-tight scrotum of his youth!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:07, closed)

@chcb
and if you were to lose control of yourself during labour, and then clean it up you could be the whoopin' hoopin' droopin' poopin' scoopin' paint stripper
( althegeordie A bullying, attention seeking AIDS-Bastard, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:08, closed)

If her swinging boobs are her real fame
they should install a camera in a goat pen so people could watch swinging udders to their heart's content.

*shaking head in wonder at what grabs humanity's attention*
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:10, closed)

I love babies...
Tickling them and kissing them and holding them etc

I just would hate to have my own.
( big-girl's-blouse is rude, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:11, closed)

@loon
I'm now a bit confused, are we talking about Charlie Dimmock or CHCB?
( althegeordie A bullying, attention seeking AIDS-Bastard, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:11, closed)

mine are pert
so it must be Charlie.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:14, closed)

Heh. Nice try.
I'm not gonna get into a scrap with CHCB- she scares me.

(Just kidding, of course.)

Seriously, though- remember the Madonna craze, where she was considered to be one of the hottest women alive? I never got that one either. All I can see about them is that they're very liberal with letting people see their tits.

Feh. Never mind me- I'm in an odd mood today.
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:16, closed)

Children...
Good:
Genetic continuity
Look after you when you're old
Can eat them if times are hard

Bad:
Smell
Expensive
Noise
Hassle
Your partner might die giving birth
Can't do all the stuff you'd like to
Negative impact on sex life(?)
No refund policy if you get a bad one


I've not got children, and I don't think I want any.
(Kaol - Master of Disguise, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:20, closed)

@CHCB
Pert maybe. But free range?

Guess we'll have to wait until Thursday again.
( K2k6 is real, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:43, closed)

*No refund policy if you get a bad one*
Heh. That tickled me.

Of course, you can always give them up for adoption if they turn out to be rotten. Or, in line with point 3 under 'good', eat them.
( Davros' Granddad is patient, reserved and measured in equal doses, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

@D'sG
I'm glad someone read that, there's a not a lot to be said about posting in a dead thread :(
(Kaol - Master of Disguise, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 17:32, closed)