You can't spell Bert Monkeysex
Without Madam Marlboro being a git.

;D
( Bert Monkeysex Misses his Mrs, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:10, Reply)

You can't spell
"Psychotherapist" without "psycho rapist".
(Kaol - Slicing your meats into bite-sized chunks, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:08, 1 reply)

You can't spell
"fundamentalist" without "da"

*sigh*
(Kroney is having a night of hell, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:07, Reply)

When filling out a form
never list your religion as "Amway".
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:03, 4 replies)

oh dear
you can't say "Mattersons" without saying "mmm"
(Halfy You. my room.10.30.You, 10:45, and bring a friend, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:59, Reply)

Or
you can't spell miisssissipi missisippi misisipppi no you're right you can't spell it.
( althegeordie probably shat on your face as you slept last night, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:58, Reply)

You can't spell obsequious
without IOU

"I'll have to take your word for that one"
( Vipros this crack is really moreish, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:47, Reply)

Or alternatively
There's no funeral without fun.
( althegeordie probably shat on your face as you slept last night, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:45, Reply)

A favourite one of mine
you can't spell slaughter without laughter

bear that in mind
( Vipros this crack is really moreish, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:42, Reply)

Just in case anyone has missed it.
Please read Happylittletulip's play here

jelly.b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/post182797

It's very very funny.

Honest!
( big-girl's-blouse Wake me up when it's January, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:03, 8 replies)

ATM
The very first time I used a cash machine, it asked whether I would like an advice slip with my crisp new fiver. Of course I said yes, hoping for a cryptic fortune-cookie-esque riddle but expecting just to be told to keep my PIN a secret.

Imagine my disappointment when it turned out just to be receipt.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a diffuse cloud of radioactive meat-vapour, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:02, 3 replies)

bored
advice?

"women eh? fuck em"


sigh works on sooo many levels.

well 2 anyway.

is it the weekend yet?
(Halfy You. my room.10.30.You, 10:45, and bring a friend, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:41, 2 replies)

A friend's dad.
A colleague of mine flies a lot on business... and always explains to his ageing father where he's going.

A few weeks ago he said "It's Germany tomorrow dad: I'm flying to Frankfurt"

His dad looked shocked, very worried and then sad... and said "Please don't go Son: there's terrible Flak over Frankfurt"...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed now comes in king-size, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:08, 2 replies)

Dad's prophetic words
41 years ago I was 10 years old and asked my Dad a WW2 and Omaha Beach landings veteran, "Dad do you think there will be another war in Europe?" his answer surprised me then, and haunts me now.

"No Geoff the biggest threat to the security of Europe comes from Islam those people are fanatics who believe we must all become Muslims or die, they believe its good to die for the cause, so we cant even defeat them unless we can kill them all"

If he could see it 40 years ago, why couldn't our so called leaders!
(nitro fan, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 11:55, 28 replies)

My dear old Dad
On his deathbed, one of his final nuggets of advice was...

"Get rid of that bloody financial sausage"
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 11:14, 4 replies)

From an old boss...
...giving a patronising pep talk to gee up the troops. "There's no 'I' in T-E-A-M".

A whispered voice from the back "Aye, but there is a 'ME'!".
(Reverend Fister with buttocks quivering in anticipation on, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:41, 7 replies)

because it's just been mentioned on Radio 4
"you can't be too rich or too thin".

I own half a house mortgage and am 138 lbs. That'll do.
( crackhouseceilidhband is bitter in a good way, like olives, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:31, 9 replies)

from a really lame partner
at my first law firm:

assumptions make an ass out of u and me .

no, ian.

you make an ass out of u .
( rachelswipe when life hands you lemons FUCK THE LEMONS & bale, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:22, 6 replies)

Two pieces of great advice I was given:
"Never trust an epigram" by a wine soaked creative writing lecturer at uni, who was full of ridiculous pieces of humourous and scathing advice.

Another favourite of mine was: "Yesterday is the tomorrow you were worried about the day before"
(BlueHaze more than a woman, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:08, Reply)

BEHOLD
I have a little screw!! (awaits tiny knob gags, whatever) yeah yeah it's supposed to be a jimmy hill - i see screw so therefor it is
*waves self centered stubby little hand dismissively*

oh how i love my tiny silver screw - it completes me *sighs* - awaits further abuse from nrmerians who dont understand whining is what we The British *stands* have instead of therapists and all that introspective wank.

*forgives all the narky cunts*

even Azra3l - a shimmering great pile of wank if ever there was (love you)

IN FACT I LOVE YOU ALL *gushes*

lets have a new QOTW to celebrate
( spimf ™ is best described as 'risky', Thu 26 Jun 2008, 9:45, 12 replies)

My dad always told me
that if you drink enough to throw up, you've had a rubbish night.

Last night I had 10 cheap beers in the pub. I ruined my chances with a very beautiful girl by making a complete drunken dickhead of myself, went home (after fighting the urge to chuck up on the bus), took my boots off...and then threw up in them.

Both of them. In equal amounts.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock Blacken my eye, set fire to my tie, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 9:23, 5 replies)

if they're healhy enough to get there
they're healthy enough to fucking wait. Give up seats, open doors etc, but this is just silly.
( lordsaccharine getting married on Saturday :D, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 9:21, Reply)

My Granny
Always used to say:
''If your nose runs and your feet smell, then god built you upside down''

OK... not technically advice... but it stuck.

Click if you're going to repeat this the next time you have the sniffles... go on.. you know you will.
(Poombah the destroyer, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 8:55, Reply)

I have never been told this
but I wish I had.

When choosing an interweb community to become part of, find one that sucks. Cos if you find a good one, you'll miss it when you have do go and do a proper days work..

*cries*
(ancrenne pimpin' www.gothcloth.co.uk for a mate, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 8:52, 161 replies)

My old dad always used to tell me..
..'if you don't get your icon for b3ta, be sure to whine about it on QOTW, the mods spend hours of every day trawling through the badly written lies, just to check on who needs their icon'.
( Amorous Badger : Increasing the peace. ONLINE., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 8:10, 19 replies)

some old bloke
I cant remember who said this to me but i think its someone whom i uaed to work with, anyway...

"Never have anything to do with a man who wears sandals in winter , ESPECIALLY if they have painted toenails "

'nuff said really.
(welgar, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 7:36, 2 replies)