Who wants free shower gel?
www.squishedfull.co.uk/

I just applied and am getting one sent to me now :)
( beckyjsbx http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/console_lines.png, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 10:22, 7 replies)

Hi Guys,

Looks like you lot have all been busy bees this weekend.

I've a busy week ahead but will try to catch up by the end of the week.

The way things are looking, I may well virtually abandon the regular, boring QOTW in favour of this fine, new institution.
(Che Grimsdale What would Homer Simpson do?, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 9:59, 1 reply)

G'morning!
I'm just reporting in that my new job seems to be b3ta-friendly, and not that busy.
(Kaol - Slicing your meats into bite-sized chunks, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 9:33, 12 replies)

Seeing as I seem to be here first
Let me open my doors today and invite you in.


( K2k6 has seen Lesley Garrett naked, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 9:32, 289 replies)

Since I missed last week's QOTW....
have a late entry.

My First Ever Night with Mrs Sexmonkey

Mrs Sexmonkey can NOT hold her drink. I first discovered this when we were just friends. We’d been to a beer festival, she’d likened my arse to that of Michaelangelo’s David, and I’d given her a drunken piggy-back on our way home, which resulted in us both getting grazed knees, and a mild concussion.
I then spent the rest of the night holding her hair back as she threw her guts up into the sink in her room, there was no way we’d have done anything dodgy that night anyway, I was seeing someone, and she had a boyfriend ten years older than herself at the time.

Months later, and for the first time since we’d met we were both single. We’d shared this tiny, little, breath-taking, heart-stopping, life changing kiss earlier that day, and we both knew exactly what would be happening that night, if we played our cards right.
After putting my daughter to bed, Mrs Sexmonkey and I had a lovely, romantic evening together, with lots of flirting, soft kissing and cuddles. I’d learned from the last night we’d spent together too, and cleverly made sure that she only had access to one glass of wine, while I quickly quaffed the rest of the bottle (nerves, y’see). We were just about to make our way to the bedroom, when… my bastard horrible little ginger brother came home. He’d been staying at my place and sponging from me for months, the little fucker. I wasn’t going to let him interrupt proceedings that night though, and still tried to usher Mrs Sexmonkey to the bedroom. Except that I couldn’t, it was his 19th birthday, and the bottle of Vodka I’d given him earlier in the night so that he’d go out and leave us alone came back with him, half empty, and he was trying to do his best ‘I’m a hilarious drunken teenager’ bit. I could have killed him. He insisted that Mrs Sexmonkey stay up to have a drink, and I wish she’d had the sense to say no. So, they chucked back two glasses of vodka each, they may have been doubles, possibly even triples, it was hard to tell because they were drinking from tall, thin glasses.
Little brother Sexmonkey passed out on the floor of my hallway a few minutes later, but Mrs Sexmonkey seemed fine, and we made our way to the bedroom.
I’d like to brag here, but all I can say is that several minutes of the most acrobatic, energetic, and exhausting sex I’ve ever had followed, and I collapsed back on the bed.
However, it would seem that Mrs Sexmonkey wasn’t quite finished yet, and her rather friendly mouth made it’s way down to my now massively over-sensitive, and still throbbing, semi-turgid cock. I very nearly started humming ‘happy birthday to me’ to myself, but thought better of it.
‘Wait, hold on, what’s going on…?’ I thought to myself. She appeared to have stopped. I asked if she was ok, and apparently she wasn’t. She’d started crying and muttering to herself, and then the retching started.
I just had time to think, ‘Uh-oh,’ as she vomited copiously all over my lovely new bed, up my arm, and on the floor.
I rushed her, both of us completely starkers, to the bathroom, and upon arriving at the toilet the sick immediately stopped. She was apologising, still crying, and smeared in greasy puke. So I did what only a gentleman would, I took a sponge and cleaned her all up, I wiped as much as I could from her hair, held her tight, reassured her and did my best to make her feel better. Then I went to the airing cupboard, grabbed some clean sheets and wrapped her up, I told her to wait in the bathroom by the toilet for a few minutes, just in case Mount Vesuvisexmonkey decided to erupt again. I cleaned the bed up, and the floor, flipped over the mattress and laid out fresh sheets and blankets (my duvet had absorbed lots of nice sick-y mess). So the bed was now ready to sleep in again, and I went back to Mrs Sexmonkey.
The commotion had now awoken my little girl, who was a bit confused and wanted to know what was going on, so I explained to her that “auntie” Sexmonkey wasn’t feeling very well, but it was all sorted now. The little ‘un didn’t want to go back to her own bed by herself, so I said she could come in with me and Mrs Sexmonkey. Only, there wasn’t really enough room for three in my bed, and my body temperature has always been a little higher than most people’s (probably because of my extreme skinniness and hairiness). So I had to leave, as the two of them were sleeping soundly, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I got out my old inflatable mattress, and curled up for an uncomfortable night’s sleep on my bedroom floor.

In the morning I woke up feeling happy, refreshed and well rested, I looked up at the two beautiful girls in my bed and felt extremely lucky for the first time in my entire life. They were snuggled together like the sweetest, cutest little women in the whole universe, and I just had to climb onto the bed for a cuddle. Without waking either of them I nestled in the middle, and made myself comfortable. Just as I was snuggling up to Mrs Sexmonkey’s bum, I looked down, and I saw…. BLOOD. A lot of blood, all over my bed. Mrs Sexmonkey had come on in the night, and been too wasted to even notice.

Disappointed? Me? Not in the slightest.
( Bert Monkeysex Misses his Mrs, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 9:07, 9 replies)

Nearly happy b3ta birthday to me...
'tis 2 days to my b3ta birthday. Nearly a year of unending drivel, swearing and, erm, other stuff... Doesn't time fly?

Have some cake everyone...
( Davros' Granddad diddleydumdiddleydumdiddleydumwooeeeeooo, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 0:34, 15 replies)

Counting Crows are Quite Simply the Best Band... EVER!
That is all I have to say. I fear a large headache tomorrow! :)

Alright all?
( Devil_In_Tights - A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is!, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 23:40, 3 replies)

oooh, how coy!
Reading the rapid decent into pr0n below reminded me that I wrote an 'erotic' story for a bloke I was having a rather torrid and pointless fling with a few years back.

Lo and behold, I still have it on my 'puter. I opened it up to re-read, and was amused to discover that I had felt it necessary to asterix out the rude words, as in 'c**t', 'c**k' etc.

It strikes me as fairly ridiculous to be so fricking coy with someone I was boffing in hotel rooms on a regular basis.
(G-Lo, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 21:49, 11 replies)

'Nice'
Erotica... after having been referred to as 'a dirty horrid boy' and a 'sick puppy' (although these make me immensely proud) I gave 'nice' pron a go.

Erm, it is a bit long though. I don't seem to be able to be nice in 500 words. Twisted yes, nice, no.
(Zapiola makes a beautiful woman, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 20:11, 8 replies)

Cringe-worthy erotica
I just thought I'd share with you my first attempt at writing erotica. I wrote this nearly 7 years ago. It's amusing, but as far as erotica goes, it makes me cringe when I read it.

I wrote this when I was corresponding with someone on an Internet Dating site. We were discussing wet legs and how we were to dry them. This caused me to get out my erotic pen and scribble down this story. When I sent it, I never got a reply back (which probably says something about the story you're about to read).

Enjoy (the story's in the first reply).
( mistaspakkaman - meeting Internet weirdos in real-life since 1997, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 17:47, 6 replies)

can it be fluffeh tiem now plzkthx
Just because I feel like sharing pics of fluffeh beasts from work. Feel free to add your own.
( beckyjsbx http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/console_lines.png, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 17:18, 16 replies)

OK, here goes
Segments in reply folks.
(Boss Keloid is haunted by the wee bulbous tongue on, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 17:12, 16 replies)

Would anyone object
if I posted a really lengthy tale?
I've got 11 pages of A4 handwritten that I hope you would enjoy and I would like to share it.
I could do it in installments like Dickens!
(Boss Keloid is haunted by the wee bulbous tongue on, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 16:54, 3 replies)

short story in reply
might have slightly broken the 500 word thing, sorry!!
( rachelswipe when life hands you lemons FUCK THE LEMONS & bale, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 15:45, 14 replies)

Hello?


I'm not sure if anyone's around, so I thought I'd set up a new home.
( clendrix is telling you to get back in your dodgem, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 15:38, 291 replies)

Happy Sundays
I wish I had more time to read all the stories that have been posted here this weekend. What I have read so far is excellent; even Zapiola's brilliantly twisted pieces. I think I maybe a little less than constructive at work tomorrow...

Anyway, here's a short piece that I've refined from something I started writing a while ago (loosely based in fact), that seemed to be going nowhere, until the "Tales of..." topic gave me some inspiration.

In the reply.
(Gunther, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 15:09, 9 replies)

My cockateil is so fecking 'hard
that she eats rape for breakfast.

That is all.

(rape- canola seed)
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Just to say thank you to everyone .
I have had lots of fun reading everyone's stories and even writing my own.
( big-girl's-blouse Wake me up when it's January, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:56, 1 reply)

Right
I've done a bit of writing. My friend is nearly here so no time to proof read - feel free to comment/criticise whatver.
(ancrenne pimpin' www.gothcloth.co.uk for a mate, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:36, 5 replies)

Poor old Mark Webber.
First ever Red Bull front row, and 2 corners in he spins.

Masa just span too.

But Hamilton got a blistering start...

EDIT: And DC's out.
( Devil_In_Tights - A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is!, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:05, 9 replies)

Fluffeh fluffeh kittehs
I try to write pron. This is what happens.
(Zapiola makes a beautiful woman, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:01, 10 replies)

Since we seem to be in an erotica phase at the moment
here's a bit for you.

Maybe.
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:00, 3 replies)

Now *this* is creepy.
Posted in replies as usual...
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 12:57, 3 replies)

532 words
and probably a little shit... but meh.
(Zapiola makes a beautiful woman, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 12:21, 6 replies)

Morning all
how is everyone today?
( beckyjsbx http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/console_lines.png, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 10:56, 51 replies)

Oh well!
If K2K6 is brave enough to have a go then here is mine.

Nothing to do with this weeks qotw but it does have the word fear in it several times.

It's a lot longer than 500 words but I couldn't think where to cut it.
( big-girl's-blouse Wake me up when it's January, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 8:26, 8 replies)

A short Tale of the Unexplained
By Kaol, age 22 and a half.

Story in reply, as seems to be the Done Thing.
(Kaol - Slicing your meats into bite-sized chunks, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 3:48, 10 replies)