Insults
Uglier than a cap full of arseholes.

As flash as rat with a gold tooth.

Done up like a pox doctor's clerk.

Useless as a spare dick at a wedding.
(Maclir, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:43, Reply)

Don't bring Kylie into this
She's got a great tit

Only one short of a pair
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:42, Reply)

The Resident Loon
...has a good point (oo-er)

Now this QOTW might be top drawer infantile quality, and growing faster than cancer on Kylie, but could people please take the time to read the previous posts before posting something 'new'?

I've already seen more than my fair share of spunkbubbles today (fnarr fnarr)
( Pooflake is seducing your hippo, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:39, Reply)

And a few more...
"You're so fucking ugly I wouldn't even have abused you as a child."

To the terminally gormless: "you look as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market."

"You're only here 'cos your Dad was too lazy to have a wank."

"You are living proof that evolution has a reverse gear"
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Virgin
(said in the style of Vivian from the Young Ones..)

A favourite put-down of mine. Especially to a mate who is a virgin (at 27).

You can't really get out of it either. If you try and protest and say 'Actually, I've shagged loads of birds' you look like a bell-end, and if you keep quiet then you obviously are a virgin. Or gay. Or mute.
(mejt, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:38, Reply)

I once heard
the incredibly racist, but deliberately ironic insult, hurled at a Sikh taxi driver (he was sporting a turban):

'Fuck off back to Hindu-land, you Paki cunt.'

This was because he'd short-changed us five quid. After our gob-smacked queries, my friend (and his name isn't Adolf) then said:

'Well, an authentic racist insult is fundamentally incorrect and deeply ignorant.'

To which we added:
'XYZ'
'Yes Lp'
'You're a wanker.'

There was a cricket match between the aussies (I think) and the West Indians possibly? Anyway, there is this particularly rotund chap who was the butt of all the humour of the Australians, famed for their sledging and one aussie said: 'XYZ... why are you so FUCKING fat?'

To which XYZ replied:

'Everytime I shag your wife she gives me a biscuit.'
(The Lithe Panther, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:37, Reply)

The Britpop Years
Back in the 1990s I spent a lot of time in the company of a splendid group of lads, all hard drinkin' good ol' boys.

We were in a grim dive of a pub in a grotty market town, and once of the number commented on how few good looking women there were in the establishment with this adroit observation...

"Jesus wept, its like fucking Space Precinct in here"

Hilarity Abounded.
(Lunar Jim, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:36, Reply)

If you like fruit. . .
suck my cock it's a peach

(Sid the sexist)
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:32, Reply)

Wasnt that Groundskeeper Willie?
When he taught the kids french?
(Lunar Jim, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:31, Reply)

Come to think of it...
I remeber leaving a French lesson in school many moons ago, when one of the ever present amoeba-brained specimens in a bid for popularity approached me and nigh-on bellowed in my face:

"J'ABITE EN SKUNK!"

Strangely, he didn't quite get why I was laughing along with everyone else...

Another insult, this time doled out by my good self featured another plankto and the basketball nets. Said human effluent is repeatedly jumping up and grabbing the basket, swinging for a bit and landing back on earth before challenging me (fat and unhealthy) to do the same... My response?

"Sorry, I'm not really into touching other people's rings"
( Sonic James Doom is releasing an album for charity 12.11.08, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:31, Reply)

another one from Homer J Simpson. Sorry, groundskeeper Willie
Cheese eating surrender monkey
(WrinkledPrune, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:30, Reply)

YOU SHIT

(abignumber, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:30, Reply)

Infant School
In 1978 a kid chose to insult me by calling me a "gay wee".
Is this a euphamism to which he was privy and I to this day am not?
If anyone can help, please let me know.
(Lunar Jim, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:29, Reply)

Overheard in a pub...
Chap 1: Fuck off you queer!!!

Chap 2: Me, Queer? Thats rich coming from you!!! You're so far in the closet you're in fucking Narnia!!!


Oh I did chuckle!!
(Darkpie licked his last window on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:29, Reply)

A good response to an insult is
"yeah but at least I don't look like a kiddie fiddler."

And if they continue insulting you...

"Oy! Don't talk to me you paedophile!"
( Afinkawan doesn't have enough space in his sig to write wha, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:29, Reply)

YOU
Smell of my nan's cock.
(abignumber, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:28, Reply)

anthony...
...was our source of patter for years when we were wee guys. he was bout five years older than us and we would bam him up just so he would unleash blinding put-downs that we would inturn rob and pass off as our own.

the best i ever stole from has got to be-

"away and ask yer maw who anthony is."
(Raol Duke, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Can I make a request?
I would be willing to bet that by the end of the day we'll have a dozen entries of "cuntstunter" or "knobjockey" or other one and two word responses. By this time next week it will be pretty horrid.

Can we at least have stories to go with them?
(The Resident Loon Don't worry, we're from the Internet!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:26, Reply)

Fruity
"Your dad is a WaterMellon Shagger, and he doesnt even warm them in the over first the lazy bastard"
This was confusing abuse, but gave a clue into the other person's hobby
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:26, Reply)

.
one of my mates frequently uses the word jizz rag its quite effective
(vince_noir, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:26, Reply)

you're so fat i swerved to avoid you and ran out of petrol

( gravytrain is very, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:25, Reply)

Some of my own-brand favourites include;
"You hairless orangutang!"

"You duo/trio/quartet/etc of cunts!"

"You gormless dribbling retard!"

and one borrowed from South Park;
"Oh you silly, small-testicled little boy!"

I once sent a friend a text describing another friend as "a gigantic bowl of Useless, with Unreliability sauce, topped off with a big round cherry of Idiot."

A recent favourite is when, round my mate Jeff's, my other mate Tom asked for a go on the playstation. I turned slowly to him and, in a deadpan voice, said,
"I dunno, do you think you're good enough? Cos I'm not really sure that you are."
Jeff cracked up, Tom looked increadibly downcast.

Feel free to employ any of these in situations with your own friends.
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:25, Reply)

I called my boss...
... a petulant crippled dwarf the other day. While he was out of the room, naturally.
(frankspencer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:23, Reply)

Coco
You fucking clown!

Do you have to practice to be that thick?

Suck me cock, it's candy rock,
Lick me arse it's chocolate.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Thinking about it...
I'm wondering if calling someone a 'Knob-Jockey' is actually funnier than calling someone a 'Cunting-Fucker'.

I'll mull that over this evening in the pub and if needs be, I'll amend my earlier post.

Fuck you all, you cunting knob-jockeying fuckers!
(Mullered is ugly., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:21, Reply)

You are a polyp on the anus of humanity.
I have, on more than one occasion managed to say to a deserving victim the following:

"Get lost you monkey-faced, bat-eared, crawling excuse for a boss-eyed, rancid dribble of senile plasma.

You meaningless speck of inhuman effluent, clogging up the strata of life with your ludicrous attempt to emulate a mutonic lump of Neanderthal invertebrate."

It is not original - I nicked it from a Jasper Carrott show in the 80's, but you should have seen their stunned faces when I came out with that.
(lardaholics anonymous, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:21, Reply)

Paki bastard
But only if the recipient is not of Pakistani origin, because that would be racist and disrepectful.
(frankspencer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:20, Reply)

Last night....
my eldest son (3) called my youngest son (1) a BUMLORD.

*proud*
(Vic_Twenty No mess, no fuss, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:19, Reply)

I recently told the singer in my band that
his mum got fisted by the incredible hulk

left him rather speechless.
( Vipros this crack is really moreish, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:18, Reply)

pooflake...
I'm surprised it's as few as 10. This could run and run.

(What're the odds of it never closing, in the manner of the Top Tips QOTW?)

Yo' mamma, length gag, etc.
( Enzyme is in ur [noun]z, [verb]in' ur [noun]z, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:18, Reply)