Bonus points for it coming from my mother's mouth *snigger*
Upon dropping a can of coke in the car whilst my mum was driving, I was about to reach down and pick it up when she uttered possibly the most indecent words a mother could ever say to a son:

"Oh Mark, please not here, it'll spurt everywhere!"

She didn't realise what she had said, so I followed it up with a "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"
(MunchMyBalloons, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 11:02, Reply)

I was given an Electric Toothbrush last christmas...
...and this morning, after giggling at the name "Oral-B," I also realised how much it looks like an oddly-shaped dildo with a brush stuck to the end.


I think I also just pulled a foot-long hair out of my anus. It wasn't mine...
(The Supreme Crow : LOVE IS BOAT, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 10:55, 1 reply)

Ouch
I work in a game shop, so when customers bring in faulty consoles, they usually just pop it on the counter and tell us what is wrong.
One guy comes in, Puts a 360 on the desk, and before he could realise what he was saying, he told us "I've got redring"
(annhialus is clicking ignore on himself on, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 10:41, Reply)

oh dear
My mother, the cat lover, at the christmas dinner table with my cousins dog snuffling around people's legs uttered the immortal Slocombesque line:
"Do you think he can smell my pussy?"

The youngsters all started to splutter stuffing across the table whilst my sage old uncle cast us a pityful look and said "don't, you'll just have to explain it".
(harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 10:34, 1 reply)

In The Supermarket
While bagging groceries with my very good female friend I totally innocently said

'If you get soft I'll get hard'

She couldn't stop laughing for 5 mins
(ShaftManlike, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 10:06, Reply)

My Friends Boss...
When arranging the christmas leave with him was heard to utter....

"If you work boxing day, then I can have it off. I havent had it off for years now"

Fnarr, fnarr.
(Lunar Jim, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 9:55, Reply)

not sure if this counts
earlier this morning i was flicking through the channels on freeview to see if there was anything on, by the time i got to the channels you need to pay for i got fed up and turned the telly off

then my mum got up to watch saturday kitchen and which channel was the tv on when she turned it on?

the red hot xxx channel
( Reme Philips do you want a towbar on that?, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 9:49, Reply)

Shiny new scooter related innuendo
After riding my scooter home in the rain I dried my protective headgear before walking round to pick the kids up from the childminder; cue the immortal line "Sorry i'm late but I was polishing my helmet"
( juanking ...and then it fell off, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 9:05, Reply)

When shopping for our student house
I unwittingly bellowed up the cereals aisle

"Adrian, have you got your oats yet?"
(rogerzilla, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 8:00, 1 reply)

Deep Purple
is my boyfriend's mother's favourite band, by far. So I laughed happily when she came online and was chatting with my boyfriend under the MSN screenname "i love dp".

Of course, my boyfriend had to tell her that I was laughing at her screenname, and why. But I like to think we all got a laugh out of it. Particularly me.
(heartbreaker, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 7:58, 5 replies)

Fast Food
Subway gets much hilarity for making people ask for a 'foot long vegetarian sub, please'. Ask it of the nervous male student ones, see if they crumble.
(reech, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 7:14, Reply)

the 'swear filter' keeps changing my text.
Which means I have a really good answer, but I can't get it up. And I really wanted to give you one.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 6:10, 1 reply)

The Girlfriend's Mum....
The very first time I ever met my girlfriend's mum was new year's eve/day, before we were even a proper couple, as she was picking up her fount of innocence so she didn't have to stop over (hehe).

Upon coming through my door, the first words I heard her utter were "God it's windy over the motorway....I nearly got blown off!"

I promptly (and automatically, I swear) giggled "Way-hey!"





The missus nearly killed me the day after =D


Luckily, I think she mustn't have heard me, or chose not to, thank god...
(Fleximus Rex is still confused on the whole "life" thing as of, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 4:49, Reply)

More hilarious grandmothers
Many years ago my grandmother told us about an amazing new product she had found at the shops and how we should all go and try .... fellatio bread.
We just managed not to lose it in front of her, but we didn't have the heart to tell her it's called *foccacia* bread. I do hope she hasn't asked anyone at the shop for it!
How do you explain the difference without introducing a topic you really don't want to discuss with your gran?
(confuse-a-cat, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 4:37, Reply)

I've been trying to think of a homophobic one
but I'm buggered if I can.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 4:11, Reply)

It's got cheese, it's got peas...
A rare family-all-together dinner. My Mum and Dad, MrVroom and me at my brothers house, chowing down with him, his wife and 2 little-uns.

Good old Auntie Vroom (me) sits at child end of the table trying to encourage fussy little eaters to tuck into their tuna casserole. Leaning on my memories of The Fast Show for it's amusement value, I pointed out that their meal had cheese and that they liked cheese. It had peas - I knew they like peas. "Look at all that cheesy pea-ness!" I enthused.

Table falls into silence bar MrVroom and my brother choking on their own cheesy peas before collapsing into giggles.

My mother kindly pointed out that we were all 'awful'.
(MissusVroom, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 3:04, Reply)

After the grand national in 1998
I heard the news and laughed my head off at the following: -

"Sadly, after this years grand national, due to a fractured tibia One man had to be put down."

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sport/73509.stm
( Munsta is looking for hummus, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 3:01, Reply)

Great big ones.
So my colleagues and I had got around to discussing apples; it was one of those days. We were three that day - me, my supervisor (ex-Army bloke) and a Bangladeshi lady, very sweet and innocent.

Anyway. Apples were the subject, and we were comparing our favourites. I volunteered Braeburn. My supervisor said Granny Smith. The Bangladeshi lady smiled and said:

"Well, I think English Cox are the best!"

Cue my supervisor and I going purple and eating lots of desk.
(Leda74, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 2:29, 2 replies)

From the fish counter...
One day, a while ago, a woman and her son came to me at my place of work and asked me for mackeral. The son, aged about 15 or 16 buggers off somewhere while his mum orders; she wants the bones taken out. And she wants 10. Sigh.

I have no idea why I suddenly got the hiccups seconds after she left... maybe it was my heavy sighing...

5 or so minutes later, hic-cups still in full swing, a cough alerts my attention and her son has returned to the counter. Being a curious young man, he asks me what I'm doing.

Now, what I MEANT to say was "I'm just boning your mum's mackeral".

But I've got hic-cups. So I look up to this inquisitive lad and say "I'm just boning your mum..." *10 second fit of uncontrollable hic-cups*. By the time I said "...'s mackeral" he'd already run off laughing to tell his mother.

Needless to say, she got an arbitrary discount for her well boned mackeral.
(MeekMan Trying to reinvent the toaster since, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 2:07, 3 replies)

Innuendo
Posh lady (Henley-On-Thames Type) explaining why hubby-darling was driving her around - meant to say "cut and shunt" but was struck by a case of the spoonerisms. Twice - the second time while trying to explain the first...
(head.fairy : born to speak all mirth and no matter, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:59, Reply)

Digital SLR enthusiasts beware
One lunch time we're in our rec room having our butties and one of the lads starts reading a copy of Elle that someone had left out. On one page there was an ad for something that had a pic of a photographer stradding over a woman with a cut top on taking a photo of her. The lad that was reading the mag is a keen photograper and he said "I wonder if Amy [girlfriend at the time] would let me shoot down her tits like that..."
(Hoff (not to be confused with "The Hoff"), Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:59, Reply)

networking
A few years back a friend was helping me lay some cabling (way-hey) for a LAN at a student house I was living at. We were using those little white cable tack things (what are they called?) to nail the cable in along the skirting board.

We were taking turns with the hammer (NOT LIKE THAT!) and, kneeling, I put the hammer down to grab some more tacks. Just then my friend leaned over and said, "lemme just grab your tool", to which I, for some reason, instrinctively, replied, "careful with my hammer head!"

Length? about 35 meters of CAT 5.
(taids mostly does stuff at night... mostly, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:52, Reply)

teenage boy humour, really.
two of my really close friends are guys, and i am thus privy to all sorts of sexual innuendo, tales of conquests and other things which i don't understand as being of the lesbian nature, all our appendages are detachable and don't poke our companions in the back etc etc.

so there we were, sitting in mcdonald's, and they decided to start waving their quarter pounders in my face (i'm veggie, and thus can't stand them) it went deathly quiet as i yelled out 'Come on guys, you know i don't like meat shoved in my face!'
the family sitting next to us left in rather a hurry.
(emilybronte is now the right age on her profile, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:47, Reply)

classic
My mates mum, bless her, wasn't the sharpest tool in the box. She phoned up a fencing company to get a quote for their back yard, and the first thing she said was 'Hello - how much do you charge for your erections?'.

Funniest thing is that someone had to explain to her why the bloke on the other end hung up, laughing.
(something clever about willies and sex wee, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:15, Reply)

badoom-ch!
This isn't exactly innuendo, more a slip of the tongue, but it immediately came to mind.

One of my male friends once made a joke, and instead of the innocent "That deserves a rim shot," I came out with "That deserves a rim job."

Incidentally, he received neither (from me, anyway). But my boyfriend manages a drum shop, so he gets enough of both. Badoom-ch!
(heartbreaker, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:14, 1 reply)

she's what now?
Years ago, I was walking my old dog around the neighbourhood when she stopped outside a house to sniff around the front fence for an INORDINATELY long time. I don't like to shuffle dogs on when they're enjoying a little sniff, so I let her go and waited for her to finish. After a few minutes an old woman appeared in the front window to make sure we weren't doing anything untoward, and yelled out "I HOPE YOUR DOG ISN'T POOING ON MY GARDEN!" to which I haughtily replied "Excuse me, she's simply sniffing your bush!"

Had to pretend I'd meant the innuendo in a cheeky way and stalk off.
(Kundalini wants his hand back (and an fp too, thanks), Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:08, Reply)

My mum has made a lot of accidental innuendos.
I can only remember one at the moment which is a shame. She once walked into a store, and blurted out loudly to the cashier: Hello Heather, do you have fat balls?

For those of you who don't understand what fat balls are, they are literally balls of fat and other material that you feed to birds.
(thomasbrowntb repeats the Gremlins theme tune in cinemas, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 1:01, Reply)

The innuendo bible
I work at a community newspaper, and because of the frequency with which people accidentally pepper their speech with innuendo or, even better, accidentally publish innuendo in headlines and copy, we have taken to writing them all down in a book which we keep in a hallowed place. Actually, it's just kept in Craig's top drawer. But some pearlers have been:

- "Is it my nuts you can smell?", referring to a packet of devilled almonds that may or may not have been stinking up the office.

- "His balls are way too big", referring to a page one piece of artwork in which two soccer balls were sized wrongly.

- "Go sit on Sean's, he's got a big one", one of mine, when directing someone to sit at Sean's desk and use his more powerful computer.

- "PUT A SPRING IN DAD'S STEP", an advertorial headline about buying shoes for father's day. Wouldn't have been a problem except for some reason the accompanying photograph was of a smiling shoe shop assistant holding up a pair of hot pink stilettoes. (Not exactly innuendo but funny anyway.)

- "BIG BUSH SPREAD", a real estate headline about a rural property that actually got published.

- "GREAT DOGGY STYLE", another headline about a pet boutique that sold dog jumpers and coats. Yes, this got published too.

I edit a section called "Vibe" (music, film, fun stuff, etc.) and get given pages to fill according to how many "holes" are in the paper left by news. Undoubtedly the best moment of innuendo in the office came when one of the news editors approached me and exclaimed: "I've got all these holes here and nothing to put Vibe in!"

It's a laugh a minute round my way!
(Kundalini wants his hand back (and an fp too, thanks), Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:57, Reply)

Sorry in advance
The other day I went to visit a friend of mine. We were going to build a veranda in his back garden but first we had to chop down some trees.

As we set to work I couldn't help but notice what looked like a set of leather seats framed by some doors and a canvas roof.
"What's that?" I asked him.
"Oh, that's the middle of a car that's just sitting in my garden so that this joke works," he replied. "I call it my Middle-o."
"Fair enough," I thought, as we cut down more trees.

Later, I saw a set of headlights shining through the trees, illuminating the front third of a decent-looking car.
"What's that?" I asked him.
"Oh, that's the front of a car that's just sitting in my garden so that this joke works," he replied. "I call it my Front-o."
"Fair enough," I thought, as we cut down more trees.

Much later I took a mighty swing to cut down a large oak, however the axehead flew off into the forest and landed with a thud. We ran over to see if we'd hit anything only to see the blade embedded in the boot of a section of that same car.
"Oh no!" I cried. "I've put an axey dent in your End-o!"
(MJPerry was excruciatlingly funny on, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:51, Reply)