New apartment, great first impression (another booze related story...)
juliajuliajulia's story reminded me of the first apartment some friends and I occupied after I moved out of my dad's house. First year of uni and enjoying my near limitless freedom to drink, etc.

The night began with a small group of friends in our new barely furnished place; much alcohol was purchased and much was consumed. We were getting roudy and my Doors records were now blaring loudly throughout the building when our downstairs neighbours decided to introduce themselves and invite us down to carry on the revelry. We'd all just entered their nicely furnished place when my memory gets a little patchy and only the most dramatic moments remain in my mind.

In sequence:

We sit on their couch...

My friend Ian is hitting on the hottest of our new acquaintances...

*BLEEEEYEECH* (The sound of me projectile vomiting across their living room creating a brownish streak along the carpet and about a metre up the opposite wall)...

*WHAM SMASH CLUNK* (Me again, collapsing on their glass coffee table, the table top survived, the half dozen glass bottles on it were not so lucky)...

I woke up the next morning dimly aware of having done something dramatically stupid but not what. The memories came back over the following few hours. I'd destroyed the mood totally and Ian never did bed our hot neighbour, oddly they never invited us back...

So I'd ruined our collective first impression, pissed off everyone, and indirectly cockblocked a friend of mine all because Tequila is not my friend and I was too stupid to leave it alone.

In the end it became a funny memory and my infamy was short lived as another friend about a month later puked over our balcony and directly onto theirs. Those poor people...

Insert regulation size, grade 3F Length Joke (Mk4) here.
(DomeOfChrome, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 6:43, Reply)

Dead Arm
My girlfriend goes to work early in the morning, and often leaves me, a filthy student, to lie in bed for a few more hours.

One day, just after we'd said our goodbyes, I rolled over and went back to sleep. In doing this I had, unbeknown to me, placed around 10st of myself on my poor left arm.

Cut to around 10:30AM, and I am roused from my slumber. However, there is a problem - I don't appear to be able to move my left arm. It hasn't just gone a bit numb, it has been full on paralysed. This shits me up a little bit, as even though I'm right handed, my left arm is a valued part of my anatomy. After the initial shock had worn away, I began to think about what I should do. Like most men I'm sure, my gut instinct was to go for one of those fabled wanks where because your arm is numb it's like someone else is doing it. Unfortunately my fingers were so paralysed it was impossible to grasp anything, so that plan was out of the window. I eventually decided to investigate whether I'd lost my postural reflexes as well. I dragged my left arm up above the head of my prone body with my right hand, and then let go in order to see if I could maintain my arm's position.

I couldn't. I couldn't right into my face. Furthermore, because my arm was completely dead I was unable to subconsciously slow my arm down on it's descent to my evidently already severely damaged head, so I got punched in the face by gravity first thing in the morning. Fuck you Newton, fuck you...
(Dowbocop, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 1:37, 4 replies)

Not dumb, however...
...is booking the entirety of this week off work.

Rested? That's me ;)

That said, I'm getting a little bored and restless now, and my sleep pattern is fucked-up. Not to mention that my comparative inaction this week coupled with the xmas chocolate I'm having to get through here, well, I may have some love handles to deal with by next week.
(thatblokeoverthere really likes hyphens - can you tell?, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 23:12, Reply)

ps3
my brother got a ps3 for christmas, on the 28th december, I spilt milk on it.

Luckily, it's still working.
(lei is failing to quit drinking, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:57, 1 reply)

nasal drops-eye drops
approximtely this time last year i was living in auckland, new zealand. in case anyone knows it.
had a stinking wierd summer cold, bad eyes and nose, fucked sinuses etc.

started drinking early in a pub where a friend worked called the playhouse.
after a couple of hours and several monteith's
we headed down town toward the main area of bars, "the viaduct", on the way we passed my block so i popped in to dose up on nasal drops and eye drops.

now, not wanting to have to catch everybody up, i raced to my floor, into my appartment, and into the bathroom where my medication was kept.
now i dont know why bu the nasal stuff i bought didnt come with a spray nozzle, this made it smilar style bottle to my eye drops.
you can probably guesse where this is going...
i realised as soon as the 2nd or 3rd drop hit my open, waiting eyeball.
FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

i didnt leave the batchroom for 20 minuits.
when i made it to a bar called "fox's" i had no choice but to tell everyone, i couldnt hide the worst bloodshot eye ever.
funny now but hurt like a bastard when it happened.
(klegnut, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:39, 2 replies)

Teenage pillockness
I set fire to the tv accidently by moving from the working unit to a little to close to cooker hob whilst I was cooking and didn't notice the flames at first because Bobby's boat had just caught fire on Home and Away. Unplugged then panicked thinking water on electric no good so I thought a little water wont do any harm so got on of mum's best china cups and filled that with water I'm screaming for my mum to come to the rescue all the time. (If you've ever seen that scene in Fresh Prince of Bel Air -well it's uncanny really).

I also once decided that it would be a really good idea to see if the icicle on the window ledge if it it would melt really quickly on the lovely 70's style glass-fronted fire. It did melt and cracked the front of the fire too. Mum not too impressed again!

Then a few years later decided to have.. well, several house parties well mum was away and flooded the kitchen twice had a couple of food fights, broke the TV, killed the gold fish (noone ever owned up to shit-stained y fronts on the washing line) and invited a psycho bitch who completely trashed the kitchen and nicked a load of money off me. The one clever thing I did was make sure I was on the other side of the world when she got back and was gone for 5 weeks giving my mum a little time at least for it to die down.

Oh and I once put my knickers in the microwave to dry and set them on fire. Would have got away with 4hrs of cleaning if my best friend hadn't bloody drunkerly blabbed at my mum's 40th.
(brocky, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:12, Reply)

Burnt palm
When I was about 6 years old, my Mum and I were living at my grandparents house for a while. Anyhoo... Mum was out somwehere... and my nan had just given me a big juicy ice pop. But the ice hurt my sensitive teeth... so I went and put the electric hob on - thinking maybe I could melt the ice pop a little bit. But how would I know it was warm enough to do it? Oh by putting my palm flat down onto the electric ring. Twat! Yes it hurt, yes I cried, yes I had blisters.
Stupid thing was... I couldn't own up to what I'd done... so I went out into the garden... and blew on my sore hand lots hoping it would miraculously heal. Eventually the pain was too much... so I went and held out my hand to my Nan - who incorrectly assumed I'd been messing around with her deck-chair and sustained an injury that way. Erm...
(canarynightlife "Some weasel nicked the cork from my lunch!", Thu 3 Jan 2008, 22:11, Reply)

i shot myself in the head with a paintball gun
why, i dunno
( Dave! The Boy Who Was Sick All Over The Park, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 21:24, Reply)

My work collegue has just informed me
that while in a bad mood with our boss before xmas, she superimposed a picture of him on a picture of a duck, with a speech bubble coming out of his mouth saying "I'm a wanker. Quack Quack." She saved it to her USB stick.

The same USB stick she just lent him to put a presentation on.

She's now hoping and praying that he keeps his beak out (honk!) of her files...
(Rakky (forgot her password) Like an old cat, pissing in a pile of sweaters, on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 21:09, 1 reply)

Slaughters post reminded me....
A couple of months ago I fell over outside Morrisons - but It was one of those falls where you run forward thinking you can stop yourself falling. Just makes you look more stupid. Also a young guy came over to see if I was ok. Made my feel really old. I should have let him help me up and copped a feel.*laughs*
( big-girl's-blouse Wake me up when it's January, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 20:46, 1 reply)